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Safe Web Strategies for Kids
Enlist Older Siblings
If you have children who are older brothers or sisters (aged 12 or older) to a sibling who is at least two years younger, you can enlist their help in protecting their younger siblings. In the process you will achieve two very important things. First, you will actually get some help. Second, you will reinforce the importance of safe practices to the older sibling and hopefully gain greater acceptance of the protective measures you take that affect them. It may be helpful to add a clause to the Contract that sets out the older sibling’s promise to help protect their younger brothers and sisters.
This technique can be very effective if approached with sensitivity. Regardless the squabbles that siblings get into, it is their nature to genuinely care about one another. It is also their nature to want to demonstrate responsibility and feel trusted by their parents.
In preparation for the discussion in which you are going to ask for help, put together the statistics, take notes from this site, add news clippings from your state or province about internet incidents and have a package you will share with your child. Rehearse the material. If you are a single parent who feels silly talking to themselves, you really should get over it, but you can get similar preparation by going through it mentally. Parent couples should rehearse together.
What you want to do is to have a structured talk leading from low impact information such as 600,000 registered sex offenders, 29,000 found on MySpace alone, up to the highest impact information such as an abducted child.
WARNING: Exercise serious and deep judgment over what material is appropriate to present your child. Depending on age, personality, general emotional state, and other factors that only you can be aware of, it may be misguided or dangerous to use certain kinds of material with a child. If you believe there is any chance of the child feeling terrorized or even deeply concerned about things like a lot of people out there who want to harm children -- act on that belief and do not use that material. If you have concerns about what is appropriate for your child, consult the school counselor or a child psychologist. Many police forces have developed materials or at least referrals to resources that can help you. If you have not already done so, please read our disclaimer which is prominently linked on our main menu at the left of every web page.
Your package of information can be adjusted according to your child’s particular needs. If you do not wish to use the predator statistics, then use identity theft and lead up to cyber bullying.
But the sad, raw fact is that a majority of children who have spent any time on the internet are already aware of these phenomenon. They may not know about the actual numbers, but they do know about predators and a large minority of very young children have already been sexually propositioned. Those who have, too often do not report it to their parents because of fear/shame/guilt and even believing that they somehow are in trouble for merely having received the communication. These facts are all well documented but parents can establish it for themselves, either by becoming a 13 year old on the internet and/or by reading the research.
Four separate studies in 2002 and 2003 of children ranging from eight years old to 17 years old found the minimum incidence of cyber stalking victims was one in five. Among 10 to 17 year olds the incidence was 1 in 2 -- fully half of the children in that age group experienced cyber harassment. The internet has grown a lot since 2003 and the appearance of sites like MySpace can only have increased the risk.
Consider this: a separate study found that 53% of children aged 8 to 11 years old had engaged in internet conversations of a sexual nature. 7% of them reported that they knew the person they were communicating with was an adult.
What should alarm us is that a higher percentage of children reported sexual conversations than reported harassment or cyber stalking. In other words they viewed these conversations as somehow not in the class of “dangerous” or threatening. Because the predator is not persecuting them they do not interpret nor report it as any form of harassment.
26% of children aged 8 to 11 reported that they had met face to face with a stranger they chatted with on the internet.
You can read all of the sources for these stats in the pdf report of the research. The point is that there is at least a 50-50 chance that your child is not only aware of sexual chat, but has participated in some. It is highly unlikely that they are not aware of the subject and so, if they are likely to be alarmed by a discussion of the subject they may well already be suffering that fear in secret.
Studies also find that children are better prepared emotionally to withstand such contacts from others if they have discussed it with parents. So if you choose not to share this kind of information with your child, be confident that it is your child’s fear you are considering and not your own.
But again, we emphasize, you must make an informed and serious decision about what is appropriate and healthy for any discussion with your child. We would welcome any parents’ suggestions on what alternative information can be presented as an effective package of information to both educate and gain the assistance of children in the effort to practice secure internet behavior.
Whatever sets of information you select, the plan is to present it in a sequence that takes the child from the lowest impact to the highest impact for that child. Children do not tend to register a lot of interest or proportionate concern with statistics. They are too unreal. But they generally do get the intent -- there’s a lot of bad people out there, yes, yes, I get it, but it’s not really about me. They identify more with increasing levels of personalization. From the statistics to the plight of affected families and children to what’s happened in our town to this little girl.
Practice your presentation to the child as thoroughly as you would a presentation to a board of directors. You want the child to realize that, not only have you gone out and found a bunch of information, but that you know it inside out. You are an expert and you understood the documents that you’re talking about before you even show them.
Your purpose is to strengthen the child’s confidence in your authority and to weaken any lingering thoughts that you don’t really get it. Just as rehearsal and ease of presentation drive confidence in adults, it drives confidence in children. Perhaps the most important factor is that the rehearsal will make you in fact confident and that confidence is sensed, particularly by children. Hesitation can be misinterpreted in too many ways to allow it to show through.
When you are prepared and sit down with your child, explain that you have to talk about something important and that you need her help. Tell her it is a subject that can be uncomfortable but that it is important to the family.
Do not expect any child of any age to simply understand automatically that something is important. You must actually say the words “this is important to our family.” If you simply assume that it should be obvious, you have a great chance of coming off as trying to add another chore or trying to play a trick of some kind.
Tell them it is important and possibly uncomfortable, and start by asking some questions.
“John, you know there are some dangerous things that go on on the internet right?”
The child will say yes, and may be guarded, expecting this is going to be about them.
“What kinds of things have you heard about that you think are dangerous?”
Let the child answer however they will. If they are a bit belligerent or resistant, remember they think you are setting them up. When you have gotten some examples out of them, agree.
“Those are things that are important. There are little ones getting in some real trouble and too many of them end up really hurt. John, we need to be worried about your younger sister Susan. Are you willing to at least discuss how you can help us protect your sister?”
This should generate some relief for the child and some interest. If the child responds that they are not willing to have the discussion, you need to ask why and probe the fear or suspicion that would prevent them from a willing discussion. Most often, the child will agree to have the discussion.
At this point bring out your package of information. Deliver your rehearsed presentation and adapt to answer any questions you did not anticipate. Sprinkle the presentation with references to the younger sibling. If it fits the context of your presentation, plant suggestions such as “if this little boy had a big brother maybe he could have helped.” (again, be careful -- don’t place an emotional burden that you are unsure the child can manage).
Once you have concluded the presentation -- inviting your child’s intervention and participation throughout, deliver the conclusion:
“You can see Sally why we think as a family we need to have a strategy to protect your little brother -- do you at least agree we need to try?”
Hopefully our sincere effort will be repaid with agreement that we need to try and/or a question about what the older sibling can do.
“Well, Mark, we’ve done a lot of work to find out what kinds of things we can do. Some of it is pretty easy. For example, we need you to keep an eye on Tracy when she’s on the computer. We don’t mean all the time and we’re not trying to create a new baby sitting job for you. Just keep an eye out. But the absolute most important thing you can do is talk to her. Find out who she’s chatting with and what web sites she goes to. Then we’re going to trust you to let us know about anything that you think might risky or inappropriate -- you understand what we mean by “inappropriate” right? Good. That’s not too tough is it?”
“Good. Now, part of what we need to do is a bit more of a pain, but it really is necessary to protect our family. We need you to support us when we figure out a plan for the whole family. It’s going to mean some inconvenience for all of us but if you protest and complain, you know your little brother will protest and complain. That’s why we’re talking to you first. She looks up to you whether you realize it or not so if what we’re doing is no good to you, it is likely going to be no good to her. Do you understand what we’re saying here?”
At this point, do not discuss any specifics of the family plan. Explain that you are not quite ready but you are going to put it together for the full family to come to agreement. Right now all you’re looking for is a promise to look out for the younger sibling and a promise not to protest the plan when it comes.
Do not use this to shut down any complaint about the plan when it comes. In fact explain at this point that it will be okay to ask questions and have concerns that the child wants to have addressed. You will promise to do your best to come up with a plan that will be the least inconvenient possible. You will promise to try to find software that will make things as automatic as possible so that he may not have to actually do anything much different than now. But the promise you are asking for is that whatever concerns or complaints the child has when the plan is finally put together is that the child express those concerns in a constructive way. No pouting, shouting or combative language.
If you can get that much from the child things will be much easier down the road. It is important to let some time to pass before presenting the plan -- at least a few days. Otherwise it will just look like a setup.
When you are ready, present the Contract.
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